Life Isn't Fair

Oh where to begin with this. Janica is my sweetheart girl. She was born with a tethered spinal cord and has had two surgeries to correct it.




She has had a tough time with her bladder her whole life. We didn't notice it when she was still in diapers, for obvious reasons. Her bladder issues became more apparent as she grew older and kept wetting her pants. I think on her worst day she had about six accidents. That meant she had to change her pants six times. It was her fifth birthday and that was when Jason and I decided something had to be medically wrong. This wasn't Janica not wanting to go to the bathroom.



Janica had already had one surgery at this point and we took her back to the neurosurgeon to see what was going on. After numerous tests, including an MRI, the doctor concluded her spinal cord had re-tethered and back she went for surgery. This was February 2009.



Janica is such a trooper! She recovered from the surgery and went on with her life. She started kindergarten in pull-ups, since the accidents hadn't stopped, but the doctor said it could take some time. Life kept moving on.


When it was time for Janica to start 1st grade, Jason and I took her back to Primary Children's Medical Center. We wanted to learn strategies to control her constant accidents so she wouldn't be embarrassed being in school all day. They put her on medication to calm her bladder and she learned to use a catheter.



So think about it. Whenever Janica has to use the bathroom, she needs to insert a catheter into her bladder to empty it. Her bladder still doesn't send the right messages telling her when it is too full, so Janica needs to empty her bladder every two hours. This means that at school, she needs to be excused to use the bathroom. She can't make it through church without having to go to the bathroom. It isn't fair!




So that brings us to today. Janica had her yearly tests done at Primary Children's and we learned that her bladder is about 1/10th the size it should be. Where her bladder ought to hold 10 oz of urine, it only holds 1 oz. That certainly explains why it leaks out so much!

This means surgery. Again. For the third time. Life isn't fair.

The urologist will be taking a piece of her intestine and attaching it to her bladder, greatly increasing the size. She'll still need to use a catheter to empty her bladder, but it will only be every 4 -6 hours instead of every two. The surgery will last about five hours and believe me, it will be a very wrenching time for Jason and me. It is horrible to watch your baby being wheeled away on a gurney and this will be our third time.

Janica has a very positive outlook about it. She loves the idea that she'll have an xbox all to herself. She also remembers that she can eat whatever she wants. Last time, she had mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast! I love her attitude.

I know things could be worse. I'm grateful we live so close to Primary Children's and that we have so many medical options for her. Could you imagine her life if she had been born 100 years ago? It would have been awful! She is a beautiful, smart, talented and happy girl. I think the worse tragedy would be to not know her at all.

Still, life isn't fair.

National Day of Remembrance

Every year at this time I think of that Alan Jackson song asking if you remember where you were on that September morning. I don't think I've ever written down my memories of 9/11/2001, but with the tenth anniversary being tomorrow, the timing feels right.

We were living in Montana, in my father-in-law's house. Jason and I were both attending school at the University of Montana and Tegan was about to turn one. We actually had a birthday party planned for him that Saturday at the lake. My parents and sister with her family were scheduled to come. It was my first child's first birthday and I was really looking forward to it. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by Jason's family so that weekend was set to be a bit of a break for me.

On that morning, I had slept in so I was just getting up and listening to the radio when I first heard the news. Jason had already gotten up and gone to class, so it was just me and Tegan. At first I didn't understand the news report. I thought it was a bit of a joke, but then it kept on going. I turned on the tv and could barely believe what I was seeing. It's hard to remember exactly what my feelings were at the time, since I have had so many other feelings about it since, but it seems like I was bewildered. What was happening? Why did they keep showing smoke coming from a building? Unfortunately things became more clear when the plane hit the second tower. Because it was broadcast live, I saw that event. Live. As it was happening. It was terrible. The idea that the devastation appearing on tv was actually going on to real people right then was horrific.

So how do you go on? When Jason got home, he didn't know too much about it. I went to class, but the teacher let us go early because none of us could really focus - including her. I had another class later that day, but I can't remember if I went or not. I couldn't stop thinking about the people in New York.

Jason was working in a restaurant then and I think he went to work, but they closed early. I couldn't seem to stop watching the news coverage. Who would do this? Those poor people! How much they suffered. I'm actually tearing up a bit right now just remembering. What really got me at the end of the day was that the people who were killed didn't do anything different than what I would do. They got up and went to work. They weren't soldiers. We weren't at war. Their big crime was being Americans and/or going to work in America. That sounds a awful lot like me. I fill both those requirements. So does my family. Does that mean we deserve the same fate? Only if the victims deserved it first, which they didn't.

We put a US flag up outside the house to show our support and solidarity. We were all New Yorkers that day. I was surprised when I went to class the next day and heard countless students list off why what happened was our own fault. To this day I struggle with that sentiment. Please don't blame the victim. They don't deserve it.

So here we are ten years later. It seems like the wound is still fresh and bleeding. We are involved in wars in multiple countries. Has anything been resolved? I don't know.

Feel free to leave comments if you like. I would love to hear your memories too.